Ok say your a 19 year old guy and you've been dating a girl aged 29. Now after secretly dating her for say 7 months her parents decide that it's high time that she should get married. There are a number of reasons why we cant just come out to her parents and say "Hey we love each". Firstly our age gap......then our nationalities.....the list goes on. Any way to make a long story short and still hypothetically speaking she is planning to get hitched in a couple of weeks. What are you going to do? You really love this girl with all your heart and you have that crazy feeling that she is the "one". What are your options? please feel free to comment. And once again....this is a this is a hypothetical situation!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
A hypothetical situation.....help.
Ok say your a 19 year old guy and you've been dating a girl aged 29. Now after secretly dating her for say 7 months her parents decide that it's high time that she should get married. There are a number of reasons why we cant just come out to her parents and say "Hey we love each". Firstly our age gap......then our nationalities.....the list goes on. Any way to make a long story short and still hypothetically speaking she is planning to get hitched in a couple of weeks. What are you going to do? You really love this girl with all your heart and you have that crazy feeling that she is the "one". What are your options? please feel free to comment. And once again....this is a this is a hypothetical situation!
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18 comments:
Interesting, situation this hypothetical person has gotten himself into. I'd love to say, something like "if you love ach other, that's all that matters", but I'm not going to, because as much as we like to believe it I don't think that's true.
Marriage is not just two people gewtting together, it's two families getting together, and making it work without support from family and friends is difficult.
Plus, people change a lot between the age of 19 and 29. This person, may become a completelty different person in the next decade. I mean, he hasn't even gone to university yet, or started working properly. He doesn't even know himself well enough yet, how can he know whther this is the right decision?
I don't know man, I know I sound negative, but this hypothetical should keep i mind that there a lot of fish in the sea. It's hard to see that sometimes when you are young. Especially, if it's his first time.
Dude, if it's a hypothetical situation why'd you say "our age gap" and "our nationalities"?
Let me put some facts front of this hypothetical person first. (When I say ‘you’ that mean ‘hypothetical person’)
1. Marriage does not make you happy more than today.
2. Marriage gives you more responsibility socially, financially that can make you frustrated over night.
3. Marriage has nothing to do with love. Love does not need Marriage and Marriage does not need love. Marriage is a legal contract between two people – sign front of legal representatives – that is not any deferent from legal business contract.
4. Love won’t last the same way all your life. Once your brain get used to oxytocin, you won’t feel the same excitement any more.
5. Peer pressure from the society is not the best reason to get married. In this case, you are thinking about getting married, not because you wanted to. What a miserable thought is that?
6. Girls can always trick you. A Girl Friend and a Wife are two deferent things. We experience girl inside artificially control environment. Like: carefully selected makeup, nice dress, romantic places, nice hair style, sleeted topic to talk about, ice cream after lunch.
Wife is not Girl Friend – you sleep with your wife first night, in the morning you will see a drooling female with stinky breath, messed up hair and farting at night. Then talk about monthly bill and relatives problems. If you ready for that, you are ready to get married.
7. The person you get married in your life totally beyond your control. It is totally random fact or it is control by some other way we can’t explain. There is no guarantee you won’t be happy with this girl or you will be happy with next girl. Let me put it this way. Birth, Marriage, and Death is totally beyond our control.
8. You won’t find a too many people – especially girls – who are able to understand you and you think you can live with her without loosing your happiness. If you have firm feeling – not a crazy feeling – must give it a try – do not leave any space to regret in your life.
9. There is nothing permanent in this life. Not even Marriage. You can try and you can fail. Nothing wrong with that. The guy wearing funny hat in Rome once told Marriage is permanent and every one thinks it is true. He was never married and he doesn’t know a thing about Marriage.
Basically my point is – if you know the fact – you are ready to take your own decision. After you take your decision, then find the best way to execute it. Do not take the decision base on how you going to do it.
Age is a problem only if problem is the age. But ‘21’ is too young to get married. Isn’t it? Not 29 even 19 year old girl. At 21 it is hard to face the pressure form relatives and take-care a lady and possibly children. But if the partner is independent and financially capable of supporting you, then it is a totally deferent story. fuck relatives – you are on your feet.
The biggest problems you will have in marriage are not come out and tell your parents you love each other. That is only 30 min talking, 1 day crying and 1 year cursing. After that they get over with that. If they didn’t get over with that, they get over with that when they get old and when they need you. That is just matter of time. The fact you still looking at how you going to tell your parents, shows you are not really give any real thoughts to this.
I have seen enough unpleasant stories in my short life time about the marriage. My friend – young fellow – around 23-24 years – know nothing about marriage – make a huge fight and got married to the girl without their family approval and end up in divorce just after couple of months with another big fight.
One of my friends leaves her boy friend and married to another rich man with good family background arranged by their parents with big dowry ~ she didn’t liked it. She tried to kill her self. But since she doesn’t want to hurt her family, she brought the deal. Big wedding, big party, going abroad after the marriage – you know that story. But later she found out he was married her for money and he was married before same way and not tell her family about that (hiding that is the bad part). Now she lives sorry miserable life abroad trying to get her life together.
So there is no guarantee your family approval can make you happy or not. Marriage is like weather. You can’t control it. But you can learn how to live with it. If you get in to a marriage not approval by the society, they will blow high wind at you – throw lighting at you. If you think you are ready stand up to that together – you should try.
At the end of the day you want to marry – not relatives wanted you to marry. You must have an honest need to get marry – not your relatives.
The question should pop form you – not from your relatives.
I can’t tell you what to do – but I can tell you what I did. I did let go. I let go because I don’t wanted the girl to look back one day and think, ‘if I agreed with my parents I don’t have to suffer now’ (there are disappointment always in marriage no matter what). I let go – because I’m not ready to satisfy relatives. I let go because I want to have control of my life as much as I can. I let go – because some times movie must end when you hit the high note, if you drag more it become boring.
Do I miss her? Yes I do.
Do I regret? No I don’t.
Do I lose her? No. I don’t. I have her as a part of my life – life I passed already – life no one can change any more.
Good luck for the hypothetical person. Send me a hypothetical cake once you take the decision.
If you're 17 then you haven't experienced enough in relationships to know what steps to take. None can advice without being in the exact situation. Every situation is different. Even this scenario will have it's own environment etc. There will be many implications. The best people to work on a problem are the ones involved, assistence is requested by the 2 parties from close people to the family perhaps if they want to make things known. But at 17 it is hard to be mature enough and understanding enough with internial emotions always harassing your mind. What you get is not what you want and this is something the couple should have realised when getting into a relationship. Life is bittersweet yet the tase depends on ones sensitivity. If at 17 the guy can relaz and release and realize that he has a future in front of him then he will be willing to let her go and live her life. They do say that you should let someone go if you love them, but never expect a married woman to come back. If she wants to be with you then she would not be EXPECTING to get hitched in a few weeks. Hence to me it seems like the maturity barrier means she can move on whilst the guy can't.
I hope you get my drift?!?! Guys can tend to be stupid and hurt themselves out of pitty for themselves but that is such a sad thing to do. If guys had more confidence in themselves they'd realize that they can move on easily.
Being straight and to the point. The age gaps may not matter in the case of love. BUT you can't call anythign love at 17 when still at that age it's difficult to understand what you feel without more experience? Comprende?
I say 17 & 29 is and age gap all right! i'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that from the enviromnet that there will be tough times ahead if they do decide to get hitched without the blessings of family.
So as our culture goes, our country is too narrowminded.
Advice? Before you can support someone as a family through marriage. Judge if you can support yourself. I don't believe in marriage if i can't provide for my wife. Life is a struggle all the while growing up and if marriage is meant to be wonderful then I would want it to be without any hassle. Love is blind but that never topped anyone from thinking. If at 17 you can manage a family and support one too without anyone covering up for you. Then you are able to manage a family. Don't get used to people helping you out all the time cos you'lll end up being a lazy ass husband and a lousy family man.
By the way if you want to be hypothetical, then don't say "we.. we.. we.." :D lol :) and like sam says :D Think carefully and if the hypothetical wedding does happen I want some hypothetical cake too!
LOL.. well just remember that in 10 years time, when you'll still be in your twenties, she would be almost 40! When you're 39 she would be almost 50!!! 50 man!! Omg..
Just imagine.. wrinkles, saggy boobs, cellulite - lots of it, cracked feet, stretch marks, menopause.
At 19, you simply don't have the maturity to really know what you want in life. You will never be on equal terms with your wife. A couple of years is acceptable, but 10 years is a definite no-no.
wow....thanx for the insight guys.....just so you know....im not asking for her hand in marriage. Just dont want her to leave me. WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! hehe. anywayz i will think about what you guys have said. Thanks again.
It would help if this hypothetical person can keep in mind the law of fuck-ups before he decides on marriage.
"if something can go wrong, it probably will"
//Just dont want her to leave me// Dont keep your hopes up ~ She will. Sorry Buddy.. Just get ready for it.
hmmm just mal...wrinkles, saggy boobs, cellulite...is that how you guys measure a woman?
youd better either have lots of money or a jolly good dunda when YOU are 50 bcos its sure not your personality the chicks are going to be attracted to....
don't worry, if just mal can't find a woman at the age of 50, he can always make use of Somawanse's sister's brothel. I am sure JVP supporters get a special discount there.
hehe oooooooooookay. :-)
i'm thinking Ashton and Demi.. how'd they make it work? does having lots of money make it easier? i can't quite remember the age gap between them but i'm pretty sure it's significant.. he's only a little older than her eldest daughter.. i think..
glad to see Justmal got a telling off for his stupid comment :) cracked feet?? WTF?
Oh what a shock to the system these comments have been. Shit.
This has not much to do with your post, but it's kinda depressing to think ppl think so little of "marriage". In countries where de facto r'ships exist and are accepted by society, 'marriage' as such is really just a legal contract - something you sign and forget cos it makes no difference.
In SL, where de facto r'ships don't exist (at least not too openly or legally) marriage is not just 'contract' - it's a phase of life or if you're lucky, it's the rest of your life.
Secondly, a lot of ppl seem to think passion equals love. It does not. When two peopl meet for the first time, there might be love, but there's also bucket loads of passion. When ppl get 'married' (or stay together for awhile) the passion ebbs somewhat - but that does not mean love must too.
19 sounds quite young to make a decision that'll control most of the rest of your life (whether the hypothetical dude stays with her or breaks it off). Having said that, I was 18 when I met my "the one" and 9th year down the line is still good. Yeah, we don't go at each other like there's no tmrw, but being able to say so much without saying anything at all to each other is still refreshing.
The prob with the hypo's situation is that the he is so much younger - I don't see any way around letting her go cos at 19 there isn't much you can "promise" her (i mean her family) even if everythign else is hypothetically accepted.
Don't forget though, even if at the end of it all, she is taken away from you (err..from the hypothetical, i mean) by circumstances - it doesn't mean your memories of the last few months/ years ever can be.
I know that sounds incredibly corny, but don't let this make you into a cynic (like some VERY scary ppl above!) who will let this (past) bad situation ruin every day of the rest of your life too.
Good luck, mate!
Hey Manshark,
I know girls do not agree marriage is a contract. But Marriage is legal contract. Concept of Legal Marriage introduced by Roman Church and we are stick to that. Puritan culture is Sri Lankan culture. But that is not how humans used to live for past couple of millions years.
For girls in Sri Lana and any other primitive societies – marriage is the main survival mechanism. If a girl falls out of the marriage, she has no other option.
So they always treat this Legal Contract as the holiest thing in the word. That is understandable. When they stuck inside unhappy marriage they use the ‘holiness of the marriage contract’ as an excuse for them self.
Humans have deferent way of coupling by nature. Once two humans’ couple in natural way, it will last without any contract. Any two humans do not couple naturally but live together, nothing more than two animals in the Zoo Cage.
It does not mean humans should not marry – marriages have legal benefits. But two people should live together not because of marriage, because those two people need each other. It is not love – it is need of each other.
(Recommend book ISBN: 1568361637, 1568361041 if need to know how humans coupling)
actually what manshark said made total sense to me. thanx. and yeah just mal verystupid things you said back there.
cheers.
Weird how this thread seems to come back again and again to sex, "coupling" and the morning after.
Sam: "Wife is not Girl Friend – you sleep with your wife first night, in the morning you will see a drooling female with stinky breath, messed up hair and farting at night."
No offence, but WTF did you drag in?? lol
hAha! good one.
Sam's recent comments about girls and marriage are hilarious.. i'm just trying to imagine what kind of wife he will/must have.. i know he's given us a description of what she looks like in the morning but she sounds pretty dumb as well from his opinion on girls and their understanding of marriage :)
"Just imagine.. wrinkles, saggy boobs, cellulite - lots of it, cracked feet, stretch marks, menopause."
Hahaha, nice...
I'm a bit off the pace on my reply; I just sort of stumbled on this blog. Anyway, I don't know if at 19 you are going to make the best decision; that really depends on the individual and intangibles such as luck. But a lot of the stuff that has been said against the union between a young man and an older woman wouldn't apply if it was an older man and a young woman. In fact, if that was part of the scenario, you'd be quite the hero to some...me included ha. It might be a mistake being with a woman so much older and there certainly are other women you could be with that might make you happy. But you shouldn't let social predicates dictate the decisions you make, and moreover, would making a mistake really be that bad?
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